I am patiently waiting to hear back decisions on the graduate schools that I have applied for. It feels like I applied years ago, mainly because my patience can be about as thick as a slice of an almond. In other words, waiting patiently for things can be a little tough for me. I get scared waiting to hear back, even if I know I prepared the best possible application that I could’ve. Over the past several months I am finding myself praying the same prayer that I was 4 years ago, “Lord if it is your will, send me”. But among the long list of other things I’ve learned since last doing this application thing, I’ve learned that I am very scared of the R word. Just the thought of it makes me want to already throw in the towel and pick up my bookbag.

Rejection.

It hurts and it seems unfair. Like the time that the email for the visitors center tour guide position came through. “We regret to inform you…”. Or the first time applying for the supervisor position of my first real job. My phone number for the cute waiter on a soggy receipt that makes its way straight to file 13. The no show invites and times of being left out. Rejection is what they all had in common. Although the waiter not shooting me a text probably had a lot to do with him having a girlfriend and not a lot with some deep personal reflection as to why he would never want to text message me. The positions denied and friendships lost have a much deeper meaning it feels. It feels like a knife straight to the heart. It seems so personal. Rejection appears to be one of the hardest emotions to cope with but yet one of the most common that we all experience and I believe it is because we do take it so personal.

Rejection is confusing. I prepared for the interview and am a great candidate for this position because of my rural background, plus, I’m like the easiest person in the world to talk to. How could I not get a tour guide job, for UGA. I could sell anyone on this great university. This literally has Brianna written all over it. “We regret to inform you that you did not receive the position, But try again next year!”, yeah right. You know what, I didn’t want your job anyways. I bet your collared monogram shirts are itchy and prospective families are rude. But deep down, I am hurt and pretty disappointed. I wanted the position. I want to get the yes. I want to feel accomplished and like that I’ve worked hard for something and actually obtained it.

But there’s always the next page. The hidden “why”. I never see it at the time of the rejection, sometimes not for months later, and if I’m being honest, some pages still haven’t turned. But there has never been a rejection that did not later reveal itself as a redirection. You see Jesus has a funny way of so elegantly slamming doors. And they’re sometimes the ones that seem the most inviting to enter in. When you are in the business of trusting Jesus you find rejections are more like blessings in disguise. Because, had I gotten that supervisor position earlier than I did, I wouldn’t have been blessed with a different opportunity during the waiting season. I got to eventually walk through that door, I was just knocking a little too early. I can see Jesus standing by the door knob saying “ah ah ah you wouldn’t like what’s inside anyways. I’ve got something better. This isn’t for you. Or you’re not ready yet. Trust in Me”. He always has a way. A way of turning away things not meant for me. Even if I really do believe they are meant for me. He has a way of turning broken things into pretty and complete things. A way of making things better than what I originally signed up for. A way of making a way when there really seemed like no way. Rejection doesn’t feel as bad when you know deep down something prettier and more fulfilling is soon to be ahead. But this isn’t to say that it doesn’t sting for a little. Because it does and I’m not sure if you ever reach this spirituality where rejection no longer stings and instead bounces right off the middle of your heart like one of those basketball rebounder machines. I don’t think you just grow out of those real and raw human emotions. But what I do believe is that you can find more peace and understanding in rejection when you and Jesus walk together. It’s like that old saying that talks something about praising God in the hallway while you wait for Him to swing wide the golden ticket door. The one you’ve been praying at the foot of. I’d be lying if I said that sometimes the hallway doesn’t get stuffy and uncomfortable and on my nerves honestly. It’s not easy to be in the hallway. It’s not easy to wait and trust that regardless if the door that I think should swing open, opens that Jesus still reigns and ultimately has the best plan for me.

Everyday I feel a little more of me opens my hands to give the Lord parts of me that I want Him to better. Parts that I learn to let go of while in seasons of wait. My heart knows that He knows. My heart knows that He has already went ahead of me. I know that He will not open a door that wasn’t already meant for me. And I know that He will make a way, this time I am just praying it has a lot to do with speech language pathology and Georgia State University.

This past semester I began working with a professor on some of her research at the university. I had taken a course of hers before, so we knew of each other, but throughout the research we grew closer and I began to look to her as a mentor in my life. She knows my plans regarding my education and future career but also what I currently do as an RBT (registered behavior tech). Towards the beginning of the semester she sent me information on a young friend of hers that she thought would benefit from employment as an RBT too. I approved her request to share my number and this girl and I began chatting about what the job entails. She was encouraged enough to gain the certification and got the job with the same company as me! At the end of the semester, I emailed the researcher some last minute things regarding some final thoughts on our research of the semester (even though COVID-19 cut us short 😥 ). At the end of the email I simply added a ‘thank you’ for sending over this sweet girl and I went on to say that she was “totally killing it in our clinic”. The next day I received a reply that read, “ Brianna, thank you for the work you’ve put in the research, but I must say your character has shined above all. You took the time to lift up another woman without that woman ever even knowing. Thank you for taking the time to do so, the world needs more women empowering women”.

This comment has played over and over in my head since then. It made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside that she, a well known doctoral professor, would also take the time to compliment me, an undergraduate, in such a distinct way. After all, when I sent the email I was only intending to turn in my assignment with an added ‘P.S.’.  But, you know. She’s right. This world longs for more women empowering women. This world needs more kind people in general, but especially females.

Everyday I am reminded of how harsh the world and its people are. Social media crams unrealistic expectations on women in every way possible. Women should be this. Women shouldn’t be that. Too fat. Too skinny. Too protective. Too selfish. Moms shouldn’t feed their babies in public. Girls shouldn’t show their bodies. Women aren’t meant to be business leaders or political front runners. Women are degraded for many things. But here’s the punchline, the real kicker; these remarks, glares, stares and blabbermouths are usually made by another woman to degrade another woman. Ironic right?

We’ve all felt it and chances are at some point, been the blabbermouth herself. It hurts to hear or read the nastiness that can come forth from peoples mouths to other people. And most of the time, it is completely unnecessary. We are all humans. We all are trying to figure it out. Probably all a little “too” something. But I think we’ve missed it. Women should stick together. Life is hard enough. This isn’t a race. Theres not a winner. No trophy or gold medal. It’s no competition. Yet we still race and compete.

Compliment her hair, comment something nice on her post, support her small business, write her a text that says you’re thinking of her, tell her she makes you proud, tell her she’s doing a fine job at whatever it is she’s doing. Pray for her, even if she never even knows it.

So here’s to the new brides, breastfeeding mamas, bottle feeding mamas, college graduates, vocational graduates, foster mamas, women athletes, and grandmothers. The moms in bikinis, women in yogas, or teens in crop tops. To the pyramid schemers, teenage mothers, the bloggers, vloggers, self starters and female entrepreneurs. To the ‘granola crunchies’ and oil diffusing gals. I see you. Forget what they say. You’re a boss lady, a bada$$ momma, and a dang good woman that is so worth empowering. Keep it up. You’re totally killing it. And let your girl gang know it too.

There are many times that my prayers come out as silent tears. The words are simply not there, but the tears seem to take their place. I silently cry when I hear a sweet worship song. When I read scripture. Or when I am sitting to write. My heart is sensitive to the Lord’s presence.

Throughout the past few weeks, I have read many posts of people becoming more aware of the extra time we now all have. There’s extra time for book reading and play time. There’s time for puzzles and diy science experiments. Families are taking walks together, and swimming together, and eating dinner around a table together. For the first time in a long time, many of us have had the chance to be sensitive to the Lord’s presence. Sometimes God must shake us up to slow us down, which is exactly what I feel He has done during this season of our lives. It shouldn’t be this way. But sadly, it is. Our normal life is too busy. Even too busy sometimes for the King of Kings to get glorification and praise.

But y’all,

I am thankful. I am so thankful that I serve a God that has not given up on me. He never walked away. He never turned His face. He has never ran out of time with me. He has never been too busy. HE could’ve. He could’ve said “I have given you the chance” or “you blew it this time”. But He hasn’t. And He never will. He is a gracious God. A loving father who longs for His children to fall at His feet.

I read something the other day that said, of all the people in this world, Jesus still calls you by name. He has never said, ‘number 2,104,836 is signaling for help’. No. He turns. He listens. He responds and calls you by name. How neat that the God of this universe knows me well enough to know my voice by my name. Better yet, the Bible says He knows the number of hairs on my head. He knows and He cares. He cared enough to give up His only son for me. He didn’t have too. But He did. And all the while, He was thinking of me. He was thinking of you. And your children and your grandparents and your friends. He knew us. Even then. When the weight of this world was on His back. With thorns upon His head and nails in His hand. He called it finished. He thought of you. He cares.

I believe that the Lord has softened many of our hearts to be sensitive in this time. During this season of waiting. During this season of learning to be more frugal and self-sufficient. In this season of becoming more patient. In a season of heartbreak. A season of grief. In a season of “no’s”. Jesus wants to soften our hearts. He has something to say here. I believe it is a lot like that Saturday between the crucifixion and the resurrection. Waiting and weeping. Prayers for peace and comfort. But, then, Sunday came. Sunday came and Jesus was alive! He is alive! He ran out of that grave. Some of us need to jump up and run out of our graves. The graves of bitterness. The graves of unforgiveness. Graves of addiction and dependency. Graves of sadness and depression. Oppression and suicidal thoughts. Some of us have laid down in graves and gotten so comfortable in being there that we’re missing Jesus saying, “Get up! Tetelestai!”. It is time. It’s time to run out of the grave! It is finished. Jesus wants to heal you. He wants you to be set free. He wants peace over your life and your children’s life. He died on an old rugged cross so that we did not have to die to our own sins. He carried our sins, imperfections, sickness, and diseases on the cross, and best of all, He left them there! He left those burdens at the cross so that we didn’t have to carry them. You were never meant to carry some of the things you’re still choosing to carry on your shoulders. You were also never meant to lay down in a grave that wasn’t yours.

Today, be sensitive to what Jesus has already done for you and what He is continuing to do. Even when we do not see it. Even when it doesn’t make sense. Even when you feel that your prayers are bouncing back from the ceilings. Even in our silent tears. He is working. He cares so deeply. Jesus wants you happy. He is calling you to get out of the graves.

And if He gave up His son, the least we can do is give up our time.

I am currently involved in a leadership development program at The University of Georgia. I applied to become apart of the cohort to improve my leadership and professional development in my preparation for graduation. When it first began, I had no clue that this opportunity would speak to me in more ways than just my area of leadership, but you know, Jesus always has a funny way of teaching us things. At our most recent meeting, a panel of leaders were present to create an atmosphere of questions for us to learn about their experience with becoming a successful leader in and outside of the borders of UGA. The program director went through many questions allowing each panelist to take their turn and give their best answer/advice. But the very last question asked, for some reason, took my business dressed body and busy-filled mind to another place besides leadership.

“If you could go back, what would you tell your younger self?”

The answers of the panelists became that slow motion constant noise that I couldn’t focus on because my own brain wheels were turning too much. I thought, I am only 20, but man are there already things I wish I could go back and prepare my younger self for.

Like that your first heartbreak won’t be your last. Or that the people you thought would be your friend forever, will no longer be someone you call on. That, momma won’t always be down the hall (even though she is always still a phone call away). And you are going to have to put yourself in uncomfortable positions to meet new people.

I’m sure when they asked the question, they probably did not think that someone could take it as deep as I did, after all, the question was not even for me, but for the panelist. But again, the Lord always speaks to me in the simplest of ways.

Dear younger me,

If you only knew what was up ahead. Maybe you wouldn’t stress about making the cheer squad or senior homecoming court. Your choice of a prom dress will not be that big of a deal. Don’t worry so much about your grades and instead, soak in those around you more. Turn the camera off of selfie mode and take more pictures of those around you. Because, if only you knew that before you turn 16 years old, you’d loose your grandma, and that, in just a few more years, you would attend funerals for your friends. It won’t be fair then, and it’s still not fair now. You’ll wish you had the pictures. You’ll wish you could hear their voice on a video. Take the picture, even the unposed, non-staged ones.

Let go of others expectations of you and do what makes you happy. Not everyone is going to be your friend, even if you’ve done nothing for them not to be. People are always going to have something to say. Don’t let that eat at you. High-school is easy. You’ll miss soccer, even though you swore you wouldn’t. No matter what you believe, you’ll never see half the people that you graduated with again, even the people you once sat with everyday at the lunch table. It’s okay to change your major. It’s okay to eat the extra bowl of ice cream while you study. You can ask for help. Your accent is going to be charming to some and make others question your educational abilities. You will receive many rejections, but trust me, with every no, will come an even bigger yes. You’re going to meet so many new people.

Be patient. Trust the process. Read your Bible. You won’t always be right and that’s okay. It’s normal to gain weight after high school. You’re going to learn that some people were not raised how you were. But don’t lower your standards. Go to church, even if you sit alone. Light a candle and clean your room. Never leave a messy un-made bed in the mornings. You’ll learn to drink coffee, not to be cute and college-like, but to make it through many long and sleepless nights.

There will be times when you don’t think you’ll be able to go anymore. You’ll think your work is in vain and that the Lord has forgotten about you. But take a drive. Blast your worship music. It will be okay.

You’ll graduate.

You’ll get a job.

And one day, you’ll look back and laugh. One day you will look back and rewrite all of these things about a different chapter of your life.

There are a million things to say. A million things we wish we could go back and change. A million moments we wish would never end. But every good thing must come to an end. Because, this is just a chapter.

I was one of those people who thrived in high school. I did all the things, hung out with all the people and swore that I would never be able to get over the sadness that came with leaving behind those classmates and memories. And yet. Here I am, over it. It’s been almost 3 years since I graduated high school, and I wouldn’t go back if given the opportunity. I love UGA. I love my classes and my campus. The new friends that I have made. The opportunity’s that I have been given. I love Athens and the secret study spots and of course all of the good restaurants. I can’t imagine leaving this place. I don’t want to leave this place. But I know, soon enough, the time will come. The time will come to turn the tassel and turn the page and this part of my life will be a memory of the past. I’ll probably cry, (actually, I WILL cry) but then, before I know it, 3 years will past me by again. And the nights that I swore I’d never forget. The assignments I thought I’d never finish. And the people that now know me best, will no longer be across the apartment (although they’re always a phone call away). Because soon enough, this too, will be a closed chapter.

I have learned many things through the leadership development program, but there’s one thing that I learn in a new way every single day. These days are just numbers on a page. Soon enough the time will be up and it will be time to move again (physically and emotionally). The chapter will conclude and the lessons learned will be used to write the next. But that’s a good thing. It’s a bittersweet thing, but a good thing. Continue growing and making memories. Something new and better is always up ahead.

Love always,

your 20 year-old-self

I’m a scaredy-cat. There, I admitted it. I don’t do roller coasters or haunted houses. I won’t jump off the dock into the lake or get more than ankle deep in the ocean. I don’t do heights or water sports or scary movies. I’m just too scared. I think I’ve always been a little more afraid than my peers about things that most don’t even think of as scary. I think up these horrible scenarios in my head about what could go wrong or how I could get hurt. And I usually can’t get pass that in order to participate, even if, deep down I’d really like too. I’ll admit it. And my friends know it too. Although I am afraid of all these things, there’s a hidden truth to this… I am fear-full of the unknown. The unknown loops and drops of a roller coaster. Not knowing when the jumps and masks are coming towards me in haunted houses or scary movies. Unaware of what’s under my feet in a lake or ocean. The devil knows the areas that you are weak and that’s where he plans to attack. Every time. Unlike the haunted houses, the devil doesn’t sneak up, dressed in black wearing a mask with horns, carrying a pitchfork (although it might be easier to know him if he did). But scary enough, along with fear, there comes a multitude of other troubles we were never intended to carry.

Anxiety

Worry

Words that seems to speak for themselves. Words that flash a hundred thoughts through your mind, with just a few letters. They immediately push the hair on your arm up and put butterfly’s in your stomach. I find myself often wrapped in these words and all of the emotions that are attached to them. And sadly, this is where the devil dressed in pretty things comes in.

I love to plan. Matter of fact, I consider organizing my planners (yes, I use two) as a hobby. I love to sit down and write with a pretty pen all of the things each day/month is going to hold for me. I have to plan things. I’m one of those people who say “ok I’ll get up at 8AM, because I need to leave my house by 8:45, and that gives me enough time to arrive by 8:55, so that I can have a minute before I need to walk in at 9AM”. Kind of ridiculous, right? But, I want everything planned out, even down to the minute some days. I like this about myself, for the most part. It keeps me organized and I rarely arrive late because of it. But this is how the devil is able to quickly push into my life if I am not careful. You see, I like to plan and when my plans get shifted around I get frustrated and out of routine. The devil knows that. He knows our weak points. He knows our strengths too. He knows how he can throw you off course and get into your head. He knows how to use the weak areas of your life to bring out those emotions and fears that we all have tucked away inside of us. Because, here’s the truth, if the enemy can get into your weak points, he will destroy every bit of your strong points too. If you’re not rooted in the Word, with the full armor of God on, the devil will take over areas of your life that you never even thought he could get too.

God never intended for you to be anxious, fearful, or worrisome. It is said that the phrase, “fear not” is used in the Bible more than 80 times. The Lord knows that Satan can attack us if he can make us fearful. If he can stray us from the power and victory of the Lord, through fear, he can attack our lives. It is so easy for us to get caught up worrying. We worry about our future or the people closest to us. We worry about our finances and how we will make ends meet. We worry if we will find a job after graduation. We worry. It’s easier to be caught up in worrying about the “what if’s”, rather than just giving it over to God and trusting that He will work whatever it is out for our good. It can be hard to trust and let go of not knowing what those unknowns look like. You are not required to know everything in order to trust God. Matter of fact, it wouldn’t look trust if the word unknown wasn’t present. For there to be trust, there must be unknowns. There will be unknowns. There are some unknowns in your life right now, but that does not mean that God is not working on your behalf.

Everyday I remind myself of what the Bible says about fear, worry, and anxiety. I know that these things are not from Jesus and that, instead, He calls me to be brave, confident, and to have faith. I don’t want to battle with my flesh and with the emotions that Satan brings into my head. I want to stay rooted in the Word so that when the enemy comes to attack, he can not gain the victory.

At times you may still be afraid, but trust that the God who holds everything in the palms of his hands, also holds you. He will calm your racing heart and give peace to your worried soul.

I don’t have to like roller coasters and I can still be a little scared of jumping off the dock, but I am not called to live my life wrapped in fear of the unknowns.

Below are a few of my favorite verses concerning fear, anxiety, or worry. Read these verses, write them down, print them on a pillowcase, place them on your bathroom mirror or in your car dashboard. Do what you need in order to declare victory over your mind and your life so that you can begin living a life of peace that the Lord has called us all to have.

Mercy Me has always written good songs to me. I hear their songs on the radio a lot, but one of my favorites has always been, “Even if”. The first time I heard this song, I was praying for God’s will to be done in my life and that if it was in His will, that I would get accepted into the University of Georgia. I sang this song over and over again. Proclaiming His will over my life, but even more so, that even if I did not get those words (you’re accepted) that I so desperately longed to hear, that I still trusted and believed that God is good.

That time my prayers were answered and the Lord fulfilled my dream of getting to come to this school. But since then, there have been many times that “even if” has resonated within my soul. I am reminded of the story in Daniel Chapter 3 of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego.

A fiery furnace, 7 times hotter than usual. Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego, tied up by the strongest soldiers and thrown into the fire for not worshipping King Nebuchadnezzar’s set-up of images and gold. The story could’ve ended there. The fire could’ve consumed and ashes could’ve been all to remain, but that wasn’t the story. A fourth man was seen in the fire. This story from Daniel has always been one of my favorites. When King Nebuchadnezzar was calling the men to be thrown into the fire, Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego replied to him:

“King Nebuchadnezzar, we do not need to defend ourselves before you in this matter. If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to deliver us from it, and he will deliver us from Your Majesty’s hand. But even if he does not, we want you to know, Your Majesty, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up.” -Daniel 3:16-18

Read that again. “But even if he does not..”. Whew. Some powerful words to proclaim when your moments away from being thrown into a blazing fire. When the fire comes among you. When the words, “you will never be good enough” are proclaimed over you. When you don’t get the job you prayed so hard about getting. When bankruptcy is declared. The doctors tell you “there’s nothing else we can do”, or that “your child has cancer”. The story could end there. You could accept the words, the declarations, the death sentence, but what about the fourth man? What will you say? What becomes your battle cry? Will you be able to proclaim, “God you’re still good.”?

Growing up I can remember my grandma always saying, “it is well”. I don’t think I knew at the time the power in those 3 words. The declaration that those words would hold over my life. I long to live a life that is well with my soul like my grandma did. So much so, that I got those words tattooed on my right side after she passed away.

“It is well”

It is well with me. It is well with my soul, with my mind, and with my body. Because even if, even if the fire jumps, and the flames come near, I know that there’s a fourth man there, and that My God is still a good God. He’s still good. If I don’t get to go to my dream school. If I don’t have friends to eat with in the break room. When things don’t go like I thought they would, or like I planned. When the devastating news is given and I don’t know if I’ll make it to the other side; I can rest. I will rest because I know, deep within me, that He is still good. I know He is able and I know He can, but even if He does not answer in the way that I thought He would, I will still praise His name and trust His word.

Trust me when I tell you that even if your prayers are not answered and you’re not given what you think that you deserve, He is still working for you and your life. He is working all things out for the good and He has yet to leave your side. He sees and knows your heart.

I will trust,

I will pray,

I will cry out,

and I will praise Him through the fire.

Because even if He does not, He is still good and because of that, it can always be well with me.

This is very different from my usual programming of things. But I had so much fun making this and I thought it turned out well, so I figured I would share! I love to craft and make “do it yourself” things, so my roommate and I decided to spend our Saturday making a tiered tray! These are super popular and so adorable, but they can run a little pricey at home decor stores. Everything we used to make it came from the Dollar Tree! IDK about you but this broke college gal loves some Dollar Tree! I’m no Joanna Gaines but I’m going to do my best at sharing how I made this tray for just $3!

What you’ll need: 
paint 
burner covers 
glass candle stick holder 
a paper towel (in place of paint brushes, remember, we’re broke college kids)
and superglue 

We bought all of these items at the dollar tree, aside from the paint, which we had already! 

The burner covers actually have roosters on them (remember when literally everyone’s kitchen was rooster themed) so we decided to paint the rooster side white. To do this we dabbed the paint with a paper towel (hehe) until the tray (and rooster) was covered. Let that dry. Next, we chose to paint our glass candle holders. You don’t have to do this, if you like the look of the clear glass. But for our purposes we decided to paint. So again. We dabbed white paint onto the holder using just a paper towel. Depending on how thick or how much coverage you want, this could require many coats of paint. We did two coats. Once the burner covers and the candle stick were dry we simply super glued the candle stick to the biggest cover and then glued the smaller one on top. And ta-dah! You have your very own tiered tray! I am using mine as a catch all for my night stand things. My glasses, essential oils (Young Living holla), my chapstick, and tv remote! To top it off and to make it cute, I added a small succulent and two wood bead garlands! My roommate is using hers in her bathroom as a skincare tray, which is super adorable and a great way to maximum counter space! 

I am super happy with the way this turned out, plus it only took 3$ and about 30 minutes! Put your crafting skills to the test and send me how yours turns out!

Comfortable. When you snuggle up on the couch with a warm blanket, a cup of coffee, and a good movie. When you finally get to fall into bed after a long stressful day. A good pair of yoga pants. Comfort. I am all about it. I love the feeling of a sweet spot. That not too hot, not too cold feeling. But recently the word comfortable was brought to my attention in a whole new context. Being comfortable is easy. It is easy to be content with where you are. Content with your relationships, a job, a friendship. Just the day in, day out routine of your life. Nothing more. Nothing less. Just doing what has/needs to be done. It’s easy to just find yourself comfortable in being right where you need to be. But let’s be honest for a moment, you have never found growth where you were comfortable. There have been many moments in my life, especially since entering college, where I have later looked back and thought “wow, that was a growth moment”. I feel that I have grown so much since high school graduation. But the interesting factor to most of all of those moments have one thing in common. I was uncomfortable. I was not in that sweet spot of knowing what happens next. I was no longer in control of things in my life. I had to put myself out there to meet new people. I had to be uncomfortable to find my place in this big campus. I think it’s a common thing we do. We want to just stay comfortable here until we absolutely have no choice but to move and become uncomfortable somewhere else. But oddly enough, I find comfort in being uncomfortable. Because it is there that I know something is stirring up inside of me for better, or that my situation will soon shift. I want to grow, I long to grow into a better, more mature spiritual person. I am willing to kneel down in prayer and say “here God, I trust you, make me uncomfortable in order to use me”. I think it’s a lot like the potter and the clay. When God spoke to Jeremiah and told him to go down to the potters house, Jeremiah was confused, but none the less he went. When he arrived he watched as the potter pushed and kneaded the clay around, smoothing bumps and lumps, never touching the clay without wet hands, until he finished with a beautiful piece of work. The Bible calls the finished work a ‘vessel’. There are some of us that need to take a trip down to the potters house. And maybe you find yourself already there. Things in your life are being shifted and tugged and kneaded on. It’s hard for you to see past the rough spots and lumps. Yet still, with wet hands, the potter continues molding. It’s uncomfortable there. It’s uncomfortable to find that its your turn to go through the potters house to be kneaded and worked. It can be rather exhausting. But when it’s complete. When the prayers finally come to pass, when that promotion hits, when your cup is over flowing, you can say it was all well worth it. You can look back and say ” that was a growth moment.”.

Everyday were growing, consistently shifting, but it’s when you find yourself in the stillness of comfort that you can easily become just content with where you are. I don’t want to just be content. Becoming content with where you are can mean you’re no longer a strong vessel that the Lord can use. I want to be a vessel. I want to be a lump of clay in His hand. I want Jesus to use me in ways that are higher than myself. And if that comes in being uncomfortable, I never want to be comfortable again.

The other day I was talking with a friend about the things going on in our lives and how much some things have changed in the past few years. We exchanged stories, like how we first met in our freshman dorm (awkward), or about that time we went to Walmart at midnight for ART supplies on a Friday night (do not tell my dad that one). We were just reminiscing on old times and laughing at how much we’ve grown in just 3 short years. Then the conversation shifted. Somewhere I stepped up on a soap box. Which if you know me at all, you would know that I often, like very often, find myself on a soapbox. I begin talking to her about flaws that I see in myself. Things that I’d say I hate about myself. I know hates a strong word, but come on, we all have things about ourselves that we don’t like and wish we could change. I’m not talking about not liking the way my thighs do that thing where they squish out and become the size of the whole state of Texas when I sit down, or that my face seems to always want to develop one of those nice red pimples on a day where I’m headed somewhere, which ladies, both are NORMAL and NATURAL. But. No. Not physical things. I’m talking about the things about myself that are hard to talk about. Things that I don’t want to admit that I struggle with. You know what I’m talking about. Like the fact that sometimes when someone’s talking to me about something my mind wonders and I think of something I want to say and I accidentally talk over or cut them off. Even though I didn’t actually mean too, my brain just wonders and sometimes gets too fast for me to keep up. Or the fact that I can be extremely bossy and demanding (sorry mom and old classmate partners). We were just talking about personality and then, I said it, the comment that always makes me cringe when I hear it come out of someone else’s mouth. It came out of mine. 

“It’s just how I am”.

And it was like someone slapped me across my mouth as soon as it came out. Don’t you hate when you say something and IMMEDIATELY regret it and think “why the heck did I just say that”. That’s how I felt. I pretty much got mad at myself and a little embarrassed for saying that. “That’s just how I am”. No that’s not just how you are Brianna. That’s a learned trait. That’s something that you can work on. That’s something that you and Jesus can fix. Since when did it become normalized to coat bad behavior with the cover up of, “oh that’s just how I am. And that’s just how I’ll always be. My mom was that way. My grandfather was that way.” No. That’s not okay. Just because that’s how you were raised. Or that’s how your co workers are. Or how your hometown is, doesn’t mean that you should be too. It’s not someone else’s fault that you are the way you are. It’s time to break that cycle. You don’t have to be that way. If you don’t like something about yourself, work to fix it. If you want to loose weight, go to the gym. If you want a new hairstyle, go to the beauty shop. If you’re tired of being tired, change your sleep schedule. If you don’t like that you’re bossy, learn to find another way to be a leader. 

It’s something that I’ve always struggled with. I’m bossy. I can be controlling. I’d rather just “do it myself” then watch it be done “wrong”. Even if wrong isn’t actually wrong it’s just not how I would do it. I truly have been working on trying to become aware of how I respond in a group. And how I am a leader in that group. I want to fix it and day by day I’m learning to correct myself and trust that Jesus will shut my mouth, like he did, when I began to speak nonsense. I think it comes with maturity. You have to be mature enough to understand that you have toxic, undesirable traits too. And it can be hard to admit it. But there’s thing in your life that you can work on and chances are, if you’re still with me here, you’re already thinking of that one thing you know needs fixing in your life.

We have all heard it. And chances are, we have said it ourselves. “That’s just how I am, and that’s just how I’ll always be”. I want to challenge you to think about how you talk about your negative attributes about yourself. Whether that’s physical traits, personality traits, religious traits. Whatever it is that you struggle with, learn to first recognize it. But secondly, learn to not settle with being mediocrely okay with poor self care, or behavior. Whether it’s your own or someone else’s. There are people every day that turn their lives completely around. It is never to late to become who you want to be. And if that’s a singer, become a singer. If that’s a stay at home mom, work hard to become that stay at home mom. If it’s a blogger, trust that Jesus will guide your pen. If it’s gentleness, pray and read about gentleness. Boldness. Leadership. Kindness. Faithfulness. I want and pray that everyday, everything about me would be a reflection of Jesus. I pray that I control my anger and bossiness. I pray that I’m able to be a little more free spirited and trusting of God. Don’t fall into this trap of thinking that where you’re at is where you’ll always be. Being small minded never made anyone have a big spirit. You have to start somewhere and at some time. Why not start today?

Good. Seems like one of the hardest subjects to talk about. It’s not on the news, typically not brought up in conversations, and hardly ever in our prayers. Why is this? Maybe because we don’t want to seem like we are bragging. Or that we have it better than another. (which I’ll be the first to say, I am just as much a mess as the next person) Or maybe it’s just that good things seem to be hard to come by in your life right now. I get that. Trust me when I say, I get it. Life is hard. That’s just the tough reality. And sometimes it really does seem like nothing good is happening in your life. You throw your hands up and you say, “Lord do you even see me. Do you not see that I hate my job, Jesus. No one understands me. Why can’t you heal me? Don’t you know that I am struggling to make the paychecks stretch? I have no friends. Help my spouse to love me more boldly. I feel like I am so alone. My kids have strayed from you, don’t you see my family? Please just send me a sign”. And He does. But if you’re not careful you’ll miss it. Because sometimes good doesn’t always come in the way we want it too. And that is hard to swallow. Good doesn’t always look like a new job, wealth, popularity, happiness, new vehicles, and get this, answered prayers. Sometimes we have a hard time looking for good in our life, because we’re looking for it in all the wrong things. Good will come. It will be in many shapes and sizes and it may seem hard to find, but there’s good. SO much good. And if it seems that you just can’t find it in your life, take a minute to stop and actually think about those little things in your life.

Like when you’re driving through town and you catch all of the red lights on green. Or when you get to have your first sip of your morning coffee (iced vanilla latte please). Or when you’re ready to checkout at the grocery store and you’re able to walk straight up to a register without waiting. How about when you’re in the drive thru and the person in front of you pays it forward by purchasing your meal. They didn’t have too, but they did. Eyesight, even if it’s with those clunky bifocal glasses. Or when you walk in to your house after a vacation. The vacation was good, but theres nothing quite like getting back to home sweet home. The taste of that (Holts) doughnut you’ve been craving. Or when you come home to the dishes washed and put away. When a friend calls to just say they’re thinking of you. A beautiful sunset. Or the sunrise to wake you in the morning with air in your lungs. Becoming aware of the smallest “good” in your life will change every bit of your perspective when “bad” begins to creep in. It may seem silly. Matter of fact, it does feel silly. Because this isn’t what we are used too. We’re human, natural born complainers, and grippers. It seems weird to think about a grocery store check out line being the good in our life. But I promise you. If you can begin to grasp hold of things in your life that are good, even the silly stuff, your mindset will shift. Learn to just say a little thank you to Jesus when you see these things. I mumble under my breath “thank you Jesus”, all day long. Prayers shouldn’t always be a request sent up for something that you want/need. Thankfulness is a prayer in itself. Thank Jesus for the good in your life today. Because if you train your mind and heart to be open to the little things around you and in your life, you will find those good things just about everywhere.